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Thank God It’s Wednesday

Posted by on May 3, 2017
Did you know that bike lanes are part of a vast Jewish conspiracy to undermine gentile businesses and prime the city for a complete Semitic takeover?

It's true, I read it in the comments on a local news story:

(Is she even Jewish?  I've never heard of a Jew named Polly.)

And you can read all about that delightfully idiotic story over at the Bike Forecast so I don't have to repeat myself:

You'll laugh, you'll cry, and you might even "shart" depending on what you ate for dinner last night.

Anyway, everybody knows the notion that New York City's bike lanes are part of a Jewish conspiracy is ridiculous, because it common knowledge that Jews prefer to manipulate the populace through their control of the entertainment and banking industries:

As half a Jew they let me audit the meetings but I'm not allowed to participate.

Nevertheless, I look froward to CBS New York's next hard-hitting report:

In the meantime, should people should start sabotaging the bike lanes with nails in order to Make America Great Again, you might want to get some Bicycle Armour, the new tire sealant currently vying for your money on Kickstarter:

As far as I can tell it's made from clumps that were scooped out of a bathtub drain or something:

Eureka Moment

Like Archimedes, our Eureka moment happened in a bath tub too …. the domestic chores of clearing a blocked drain to be precise. So the premise was; if human hair (which has quite a small diameter) can tangle up and effectively block a drain (which has a relatively much larger diameter), then maybe we can apply this principle to our bicycle puncture problem.

FACT:* This is the composition of a typical bathtub drain clump:

Soap scum: 15%
Hair: 25%
Semen: 60%

*[This is in no way a fact.]

So there's your sealant.

With that in mind, let this image of someone stirring a slimy brown blob with a chopstick forever haunt your dreams:

Of course, the concept behind Bicycle Armor is quite sound.  In fact, if you've been riding bikes for awhile, it probably sounds pretty familiar to you:

We incorporated different sized fillers, ranging from nano sized particles to microns in diameter. We developed a non aggressive, stable liquid transport system to suspend these fibres and fillers. And we combine all these ingredients using a very high energy three stage mixing process which we developed in house.

Hmmm, tiny particles suspended in a semen-like matrix?  I think someone named Stan might want to have a word with you:

("Not me, you idiot, the sealant guy!")

I wouldn't say there's nothing new under the Sun, but there's definitely nothing new on the Kickstarter.

Lastly, in news of professional bicycle riding, the Giro d'Italia has called off plans to reward the fastest descender with fabulous cash prizes:

But ahead of Friday’s opening stage in Sardinia, one new Giro award caused such a storm in the professional peloton that the race scrapped it just 48 hours before the start. The Giro was offering a cash prize of up to €15,000 ($16,381), in effect, for the craziest rider in the bunch: the fastest descender.

Pre-owned Hyundai money to the fastest descender in the race?  What could possibly go wrong?

Even better would have been if the cash prize was sponsored by a disc brake manufacturer:

Alas, in the end "safety" prevailed over spectator bloodlust, which is alwasy a bummer:

On Wednesday morning, following a backlash from the cycling community, organizers announced that the fastest descenders’ prize would be canceled.

“The spirit of the initiative was to highlight an important skill which is an integral part of a cycle race without putting the riders’ safety in jeopardy,” they said. “Rider safety is, and remains, the priority of the Giro and the race organizers.”

It's true, descending quickly is an important skill, which is already highlighted by, you know, winning the race.  Remember this guy?

(Savoldelli doing his best "Stop Making Sense" impression.)

Savoldelli was a climber but known for his fast downhill riding. He is nicknamed Il Falco ("the falcon"). His downhill skills won him the 2005 Giro. His descent of the Colle delle Finestre before the final ascent to Sestriere in the penultimate stage, closed a gap to Gilberto Simoni, preserving his lead and giving him the win.

Of course you don't.

But you would have if he'd launched himself into a ravine in pursuit of €15,000.

Anyway, in the end it's the fans who have been cheated out of a thrilling spectacle--not of of crashes, but of riders with no GC hopes ballooning up to Sumo-like weights in order to descend more quickly and claim the prize.

And there goes any hope of corporeal diversity in the professional peloton.

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