Do you long to be liberated from the chains of drivechains? Do you dream of a bike with the mag wheels of a vintage BMX freestyler, the dork factor of a folder, and the geometry of an early 19th century Laufmaschine? Well, your wait is finally at an end, thanks to...this thing:
Of course the bicycle took its current form like 130 years ago and since then we haven't looked back. (Especially the triathletes, because when they look back they crash.) So why then are we poised to make a return to the old-timey velocipede? Well, because now that we have disc brakes the technology has finally caught up with it:
Yes, disc brakes can breathe new life into any contraption no matter how dated, which is why I'm looking forward to the return of the pennyfarthing:
The massive front wheel diameter will have you rolling over gravel with ease, though you'll definitely want to shift your weight back when applying that powerful brake, because taking a header on a pennyfarthing is easy enough as it is:
You learn something new every day, and today I learned a pennyfarthing crash sounds like a Victorian-era thief dropping a sackful of silver while he's escaping through the window.
BUT WAIT! There's also rear-wheel steering, so you can turn on a farthing:
Though when you really think about it you never need to make such tight turns, with the possible exception of bike polo, but even then due to the tight wheelbase and small wheel size you'd need to get all new mallets:
Meanwhile, on the other end of the spectrum, you've got this:
If only there were some kind of bike that split the difference between a tall bike and a chainless 21st century velocipede...
Ah, forget it, it'll never happen.
And in apparel news, you'll be pleased to learn that Fred slippers have finally broken the $1,000 barrier:
We first saw them on Dan Martin’s feet at the 2016 Tour de France, and now Mavic is bringing the Comete Ultimate shoes to market. They can be yours this fall for the eye-popping sum of $1,000.
You read that right. For a cool grand, you get two-piece construction — an outer carbon shell with a swappable liner within, akin to ski boot design — that Mavic says will create a more connected feel between rider and bike. The system is also supposedly more efficient: 4.2 watts saved per pedal stroke, according to Mavic. Two Boa closures snug up the carbon shell over the soft liner.
Hmmm, an outer shell with a swappable liner, eh?
So in other words it's basically a Fredly take on the SPD sandal:
Anyway, the idea of $1,000 crabon roadie sandals seems almost as ridiculous as the idea of shoes that require dedicated socks...which has also happened, so never mind:
At this rate the only way you're going to turn any heads at the rollout of your next Fred ride is to show up in a pair of $1,030 Manolo Blahnik pumps that have been retrofitted to accept a road cleat:
You really can't lose.