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I could come up with a title for this post, but then it would be even later.

Posted by on March 6, 2017
The 1970s:



(I like how at the end she just drops the bike like, "Fuck this.")

Besides voluminous hair and wobbly rides over covered bridges, this decade also gave us the musical stylings of Kiss, and while it may have taken over 40 years now you can finally own the Kiss-branded crabon time trial bike and matching wheelset of your dreams:



The carbon-fiber KISS road bike allows the purchaser to have a KISS 88MM wheel set with the black and white KISS logo, a KISS limited edition carbon-fibre rear disc wheel featuring the four KISS faces from the Rock and Roll Over cover and a limited edition carbon-fibre tri-spoke front wheel that is also black and white with the KISS logo and symbols of the band members. See each of the items below. Those interested in learning more about the KISS bike options can check in at the Sciacallo Bikes website.

I'm going to assume the bike is wind tunnel-tested:


By which I mean they pointed a fan at it for 20 minutes to make sure the Kiss decals didn't fall off.

And clearly it's a shot across the cockpit of another time trial bike that also bears the name of someone world-famous for lechery:


Sadly no word on complete bike pricing, but if the non-Kiss "chassis" is just over $3,000 you can assume the full-douche version will cost you quite a bit more:


That's a lot to pay for some irony, and frankly I'd go with the waffle maker instead:


Though I suppose if you have your heart set on something bike-specific you could always settle for the Kiss wheelset, which is a bargain at only $1,199.99:


Both T-800 Carbon Rims are Dressed To Kill with oversized icons of The Star Child, The Demon, The Catman and The Spaceman.  As with all other KISS® wheel sets, they come with a Certificate of Authenticity signed by legendary rockers Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley.  These wheels are Officially Licensed and Limited in production so order before they are gone.

The designers could have de-emphasized the SS Bolt motif in the Kiss logo, but instead they repeated it in keeping with the current zeitgeist:



Classy.

Of course, the first thing you'll want to do when taking delivery of your Kiss bike is upgrade it with a cutting-edge lighting system like the Speednite:



This is the integrated smart stem/headlight system you never knew you wanted because indeed you didn't and don't want it, and here's the creator explaining his inspiration:


"I love cycling at night because it gives me more freedom and happiness.  But I always feel not enough visibility."

Have you tried adding some color to your wardrobe?

Of course not.  Why do that when instead you can invent a light that moves with your head?


"It can be controlled by tracking your head motion."

If you want a light that can be controlled by your head motion wouldn't it be easier to simply put the light on your helmet?  And why do you even want your light integrated into your stem?  What if you want to put it on a different bike?

I dunno, but it does have a "laser indicator:"


"It also has a side laser indicator which can be controlled by tracking your left and right head motion to make other road users aware of your direction choice."

I don't see how a diagonal red laser communicates to other road users what direction you intend to turn, unless that road user happens to be a cat:


In fact, now that nobody listens to CDs anymore I'm pretty sure the only thing lasers are still used for is cat entertainment.

Of course the Speednite also has an integrated display to let you know when you've attained metric Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo! speed:


And it's even got a crash notification system complete with "SOS light:"


If you crash on your Kiss bike there's an explosion of sparks, the stem plays "Detroit Rock City," and the Speednite flashes in time with the music.

Or, you could just get a folding electric fat bike instead:



This will be every bike at Walmart in 10 years.

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