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cycling

The Official Post-Pre Announcement!

[Please note there will be no post Friday, April 21st as I’ll be doing “ride reconnaissance,” but I’ll be back on Monday the 24th with regular updates.  The Bike Forecast will not be affected.]

Remember how yesterday I pre-announced the pre-ride to the Gran Fondon’t?

Well know I’m officially announcing it, and here’s the official flyer.  Officially:

So I guess everything after the flyer qualifies as a post-announcement.

Also, please note that officially the official name of this ride is the “BSNYC BOOMB! Pre-Fondon’t Ride.”  The “BOOMB” stands for Beers On Old Man Brooks.  This is because the Brooks Bicycle Saddle-Making Concern is buying the beers afterward.  Isn’t that nice of them?

You bet it its.

Plus, if you show up on a bike equipped with a Brooks saddle you get…well, you get nothing, apart from perhaps the sense of smug self-satisfaction that comes from owning a Brooks.

“I want to join this ride of yours!,” you’re now shouting into your monitor or smartphone.  “How do I register?”

You don’t.  Just show up.  For past rides I’ve asked people to RSVP via email, but screw that.  Just come to the corner of Broadway and 9th Avenue in Manhattan this coming Saturday morning and be ready to roll at 8:30am:

It’s very easy to get there via the Harlem or Hudson River Greenways, the subway, or even the Metro North, but if you’re still confused then maybe this isn’t the ride for you.

The Route
We’ll ride north through Van Cortlandt Park into Westchester, up the South County Trailway for a bit, then cut over over to the Old Croton Aqueduct (OCA) for the return trip.  The OCA is unpaved and there are roots and rocks.  While this will justify your recent purchase of a state-of-the-art gravel bike, your regular road bike will work just as well, though I’d recommend tires over 25mm wide–which you’re undoubtedly using anyway, because skinny tires are like soooo out of style.
The South County and the OCA are flat, but we’ll go up a couple of decent climbs in between.  If you’ve never ridden the OCA it’s a lot of fun.  We can also work in a coffee stop.
I still haven’t decided where we’ll go for beers afterwards, but most likely it’ll be reasonably close to where we started.
Total distance will probably be around 30 miles, give or take.
If you need a GPS route map complete with elevation and exact mileage then maybe this isn’t the ride for you.
The Pace
My racing days are long behind me and as the father of seventeen (17) children I don’t have much hustle left in me.  If you want pacelines and attacks I’m happy to point you towards the Gimbels Ride.  In fact there’s a pretty decent chance I’ll be rolling up in cutoffs and a t-shirt because that’s where I’m at in life.  At the same time it’s not like I have all day to futz around, so you should be able to get over a hill or two and handle your bike on dirt.  This should be a spirited ramble as opposed to a slog.
Your End of the Bargain
As I mentioned yesterday, in exchange for the free beer and my expert guidance through suburbia I ask that you snap some pictures during the ride and email me at least one good one afterwards, along with some words for context if warranted.  I will then incorporate these pictures into a future post which will most likely appear on the Brooks blog.  So if you’ve ever complained about my shitty photography, now’s your chance to do better.
That should about cover it, but if you have any questions feel free to ask them in the comments.  Otherwise see you Saturday!
Love,
–Wildcat Rock Machine

Continue reading »

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Where the hell have you people been all day??? (Also, a low-key pre-announcement.)

Remember awhile back when I said that there was a 59% chance I’d curate some kind of Pre-Fondon’t?And remember how I said that if it did happen I’d give you short notice?Well, here’s your short notice:Yes, that’s right, THIS VERY SATURDAY, I’ll lead wh… Continue reading »

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The Future’s So Shocking I Gotta Wear Pads

***Importent Reminder***

Tonight this is happening:

Rest assured that I’ve been preparing assiduously–not by working on my presentation (I still have no idea what I’m going to say) but by riding one of those stupid all-terrain bicycles with only one gear ratio:

And then going to the taco truck:

I’ve also got caps and stuff from Walz to give away, and according to UPS there’s a box o’ coffee from Just Coffee currently en route to my palatial estate, so if all goes according to plan at least some of you will be going home capped and caffeinated.

Plus, if you’re willing to reach into your wallet, purse, or wherever you keep your currency, you can buy a copy of my latest book, The Ultimate Manual Of Velocipeding on Velocipedes: A Velocipede Primer, which I will even bedazzle for you:

So don’t miss it, because New York Magazine called it “the hottest ticket in New York City:”

So there you go.

In other news, remember the Specialized FutureShock?  It’s that road bike suspension system you’re not using:

Well, a friend alerted me to the drama of professional cycling person Niki Terpstra’s crash due to a failed FutureShock:

Apparently, despite the vertical frame compliance and comfort across all of the major touch points afforded by the FutureShock system, Terpstra just wanted an old-fashioned rigid bicycle.  However, instead of giving him one, Specialized gave his FutureShock some Viagra so it would behave like one.  The results were disastrous:

The FutureShock system relies on a cartridge between the stem and the steerer that allows the cockpit to move in response to road input. According to Specialized, Terpstra requested a rigid component so his handlebars did not move, so Specialized developed such a piece. A pre-production rigid cartridge ultimately made it onto Terpstra’s bike due to a communication error. This cartridge was not approved for racing use. Quick-Step’s seven other riders used the non-rigid FutureShock system during the race.

Specialized, of course, apologized profusely:

Heading into Paris-Roubaix, a few of our riders asked to try a rigid cartridge as well as the fully-active Future Shock on their new Roubaix bikes. In response to this, we developed a pre-production rigid steerer cartridge and later an approved engineered cartridge for the race.

In the days leading up, Niki Terpstra chose to race the rigid option. Unfortunately, a missed communication on the Specialized team resulted in the pre-production part remaining in Niki’s bike instead of being replaced by the approved engineered part. Ultimately, this failed during the race. All other riders raced on Future Shock equipped bikes.

Though I can’t help thinking this is the Fredly equivalent of putting a horse head in your bed, and a message to the world that all Freds who refuse the forward march of technological progress will be systematically eliminated.

As for me, I’ll stick to my Rivendell road bike suspension system, thankyouverymuch:

Yes, between that and my Rivendell electronic barend shifters I’m enjoying all the hot new cycling trends while staying true to the retrogrouch ethos:

And yes, of course there’s a friction option:

Now all I have to do is add a Rock Bar and I can do some serious “weighted cycle training:”


Train Smarter!

- Bring your training to the next level with the Rock Bar. Designed for use in weighted cycle training, the Rock Bar is available with specially designed, fully adjustable weights.

- The design allows the Rock Bar to be attached to the bike at the best locations for weighted cycling…below your center of gravity. Attach below the down tube or the top tube.

- Adding weight to the bike while cycling will increase your strength and power at your ideal cadence. With today’s bikes getting lighter and lighter, it is important now to incorporate weights while cycling. The Rock Bar is available with 7 pounds of weight.

Guess the new question is going to be #whatballastyourunning. Continue reading »

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Holy Thursday, I Just Realized It’s Good Friday Tomorrow!!!

So tomorrow is Good Friday.

What’s so good about it?
I won’t be posting, that’s what!
I will, however, be back on Monday, April 17th with regular(ish) updates, and of course the Bike Forecast will continue unmolested.
Another wonderful thing about Monday is that I’ll be bloviating about the burgeoning pastime of “all-terrain bicycling” at the REI in the popular South of Houston* neighborhood in Manhattan:
(*It’s not pronounced “Houston” like the city, it’s pronounced “Dallas” for reasons unknown.)
Expect:
–My highly subjective opinions about bicycles presented as immutable facts;
–Exciting giveaways, including caps from Walz and coffee from Just Coffee;
–The opportunity to pay NYCMTB money in exchange for a copy of my latest book, which I will even sign and bedazzle for you if you’d like:
And in terms of practical advice, I’ll clue you in on how to get to and from some pretty good dirt riding in and around New York City without having to rely on a car (or an expensive bouncy bike, for that matter).
This could lead to a whole new career for me:
“If you think abut the disc brake in everything, whether it’s the car or the motorcycle and also the mountain bike, it’s so logical because with the disc brake you can have so much more precise control, and I believe it’s adding more safety, not danger,” Sinyard said. “If anything the chainring on the front is the more dangerous piece. The disc brake is the future. In the future we won’t look at road bikes that don’t have disc brakes. They will all have them.
Well in the present I won’t look at Specialized bikes regardless of what braking system they use, so I suppose that’s fair.
Of course, Sinyard is specifically talking about the Pro Freds here, but the fact is once he conquers them the Amateur Freds will then fall like dominos (or like triathletes), since Amateur Freds grow squeamish and uncomfortable when their bikes no longer reflect what the pros are using–and that means he gets to sell them new frames, new wheels, new everything.

It’s genius.  GENIUS I TELL YOU.

And for the record, let me say I’m all for it, because I can’t wait until all the little Freddies are riding around with these stupid things on their bikes:
(It’s the 21st century “lawyer lip.”)
But don’t worry, little Freddies, the ones on your bike will be crabon:

Pictured here are pre-production 3D printed prototypes, the finished product will – unsurprisingly for Tune – arrive in carbon fibre.
If nothing else, the elegant simplicity of the road bicycle has now gone the way of rotary phones and, well, pretty much every other kind of phone.  For that matter, so has the idea of a quiet road bike.  Hit your local Fred route and you’ll be amazed at how loud road bikes have become.  Between the whooshy crabon wheels and the incessantly ticking BB-whatever bottom brackets they already sounded rickety enough; then came the discs and the concomitant rotor rub whenever the road surface was anything but completely dry.  Throw these new disc brake pie plates into the mix and the road bike in the future is sure to sound like a real rattletrap.
I love it.
And with that, I’m off, but will see you back here on Monday.
Ride safe.
I love and miss you,
–Wildcat Rock Machine

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Wednes·day ˈwenzdā,ˈwenzdē/

Do you long to be liberated from the chains of drivechains?  Do you dream of a bike with the mag wheels of a vintage BMX freestyler, the dork factor of a folder, and the geometry of an early 19th century Laufmaschine?  Well, your wait is finally at an end, thanks to…this thing:

Of course the bicycle took its current form like 130 years ago and since then we haven’t looked back.  (Especially the triathletes, because when they look back they crash.)  So why then are we poised to make a return to the old-timey velocipede?  Well, because now that we have disc brakes the technology has finally caught up with it:

Yes, disc brakes can breathe new life into any contraption no matter how dated, which is why I’m looking forward to the return of the pennyfarthing:

The massive front wheel diameter will have you rolling over gravel with ease, though you’ll definitely want to shift your weight back when applying that powerful brake, because taking a header on a pennyfarthing is easy enough as it is:

You learn something new every day, and today I learned a pennyfarthing crash sounds like a Victorian-era thief dropping a sackful of silver while he’s escaping through the window.

BUT WAIT!  There’s also rear-wheel steering, so you can turn on a farthing:

Though when you really think about it you never need to make such tight turns, with the possible exception of bike polo, but even then due to the tight wheelbase and small wheel size you’d need to get all new mallets:

Meanwhile, on the other end of the spectrum, you’ve got this:

If only there were some kind of bike that split the difference between a tall bike and a chainless 21st century velocipede…

Ah, forget it, it’ll never happen.

And in apparel news, you’ll be pleased to learn that Fred slippers have finally broken the $1,000 barrier:

We first saw them on Dan Martin’s feet at the 2016 Tour de France, and now Mavic is bringing the Comete Ultimate shoes to market. They can be yours this fall for the eye-popping sum of $1,000.

You read that right. For a cool grand, you get two-piece construction — an outer carbon shell with a swappable liner within, akin to ski boot design — that Mavic says will create a more connected feel between rider and bike. The system is also supposedly more efficient: 4.2 watts saved per pedal stroke, according to Mavic. Two Boa closures snug up the carbon shell over the soft liner.


Hmmm, an outer shell with a swappable liner, eh?



So in other words it’s basically a Fredly take on the SPD sandal:

Except with SPD sandals you’ve got to buy the liner separately:

Anyway, the idea of $1,000 crabon roadie sandals seems almost as ridiculous as the idea of shoes that require dedicated socks…which has also happened, so never mind:

At this rate the only way you’re going to turn any heads at the rollout of your next Fred ride is to show up in a pair of $1,030 Manolo Blahnik pumps that have been retrofitted to accept a road cleat:

All the expense and Euro flair of a road shoe with even less walkability.

You really can’t lose.

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THis poST EquIPPED wiTH HydraULIC DroPPER TEChnolOGY

(Does that sticker say “I [heart] TRI or I [heart] TRUMP?”)

Visiting Gothamist yesterday, the headline “How To Bike In NYC Without Being A Jerk” caught my eye:

“Oh, great,” I thought to myself.  “Another blowhard whining about how those crazy ‘bikers’ don’t follow the law.”  So I rolled up my sleeves and got ready to pick the thing apart, only to find out the story was in fact mine:

It’s always strange when you bump into yourself online like that.

I do still have an issue though, which is that the link says I’m “inimitable,” when I am in fact totally imitable:

When my 10-year blogaversary rolls around I’ll probably give you the “Bike Snob NYC” title if you ask nicely.

I’m keeping Wildcat Rock Machine, though.

(Rowr.)

Speaking of mountain bikes, BikeRadar “takes the piss” (as they say over there) out of singlespeed mountain bikes:

I was very disappointed to see this–not because I think people shouldn’t make fun of singlespeed (they absolutely should), but because I thought people had finally forgotten about them now that it’s all about fat bikes and plus bikes and “bikepacking” and low gears that dwarf even the most massive pie plate.  Once people start griping about something this way it usually means that thing is coming back into fashion.  Frankly I don’t think I could live through another singlespeed mountain bike craze, and the only worse scenario I can imagine is an Aerospoke comeback.

Also, I will say that while I appreciated the contrary attitude behind this this spirited take, I do think the writer got it exactly wrong.  Consider this:

The problem here is, if you review a singlespeed as a mountain bike, it should get a terrible score – no matter how well it’s built. That’s because it’s a terrible mountain bike due to having a 3mph operational window on purpose.

Oh, I dunno about that.  Singlespeeds are much faster uphill than geared bikes.  In fact, most Mountain Freds can’t even make it up a hill because they lose momentum halfway up and proceed to fall over due to their overdependence on tiny gears.  Plus, once you make it to the top of a climb, gear ratios don’t really mean that much, and the real factor in how fast you descend is gravity.  No Mountain Fred in the history of visored helmets has ever utilized his or her big/small combo.  Ever.

As for flat terrain, sure, singlespeeds are slow there, but so are squishy bikes or ones with 3-inch tires inflated to 9psi.  And who the hell rides mountain bikes on flat terrain anyway?  That’s what those new gravel bikes are for!

And this:

Singlespeeds are terrible in the way iron tyres on wooden wheels are terrible. They’re terrible in the way the smoking room in a Zeppelin is terrible. They’re terrible like old British money, which was all like “That’ll be 3/16ths of a bob, nine shillings, a half-crown, a florin, 4d, six sovereigns, 240 pennies and thruppence… and there’s no use trying to load that flintlock pistol, sir. I’m closing up in 30 minutes.”

These things are all terrible in that they simply don’t need to be that way any more. Nowadays we have inflatable tyres, commercial jets and simple cash. We have the technology to change gears.

We also have the technology to obsessively track our feeble mileage and performance and we shouldn’t be doing that all the time either.  Indeed, it’s mountain bike shifting and suspension systems that are like the clunky wheels and currency of yore.  There’s a reason a mountain bike that’s only 10 years old looks like an antique, which is that this crap doesn’t last: either it fails during use, or the rider simply gives up on maintaining it because it’s “obsolete” now.  Mountain bikers also make even the most terminal road Fred seem like Grant Petersen in comparison.  Sure, the legions of roadies scowling their way over the GWB with their fascistic matching Rapha armbands are sort of depressing, but there are few things sadder than watching someone unload a $6,000 mountain bike from the hitch rack of a Nissan Armada and inflate the tires with a goddamn air compressor just to ride around in a city park in Queens.

Take a decent singlespeed and the latest boingy/squishy bike and I guarantee you that in 10 years’ time the former will offer you a much better riding experience, while the latter will basically be tomorrow’s Wildcat Rock Machine.

And yes, I realize I’m taking this far more seriously than I meant to, but how else am I going to justify my artisanal singlespeed?  (I do happen to think having a fancy singlespeed and a cheap geared bike is the appropriate allocation of resources.)

Lastly, ebikes are terrorizing Australia:

$1,200 fine…and he was even wearing a helmet!

Continue reading »

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Me! More Than You Ever Wanted to Know

As I’ve mentioned before, the terms of my blogging contract stipulate that when New York City public schools are closed so am I, and of course New York City schools are closed this week (and part of next) for Spring Recess.

Nevertheless, because I am cursed with a strong work ethic, I will continue to post during this time (though I do reserve the right to truncate posts or even fuck off completely from time to time as it suits me).  I will also of course continue to update the Bike Forecast, because without it this city would grind to a halt like a seized freehub.

So there you have it.

With that out of the way, today’s post will be all about me, because me, me, me:

(Me.)

Firstly, one (1) week from today (2dā), I’ll be at the REI in the up-and-coming South of Houston (or “SoHo”) neighborhood to talk about the trendy new sport of “mountainous biking:”

Mountainous biking involves riding bicycles with knobby tires on rugged terrain, and bike companies are even building dedicated bikes specifically for this purpose.

So if you live in New York City and have been curious about trying the mountainous biking, but have dismissed it as an impossibility because you live in the most populous city in the United States, I’ll endeavor to explain things like:

–How you can ride or use mass transit to access mountain bike trails;
–Why you don’t need suspension or dropper posts or all that other stuff the bikey media says you do;
–Once you get to the trail, how not to be a douchebag.

The proceedings will then conclude with a five-hour seminar on tire tread and how to determine the optimal #whatpressureyourunning.

Best of all, my books will be available and I’ll even sign them for you, which is reason enough on its own not to go.

In other news, I put on stretchy clothes yesterday and rode one of those bikes with the click-in pedals and curved handlebars like they use in the Tour de France, and I think I’m getting a handle on the BSNYC Gran Fondon’t Build-Up Ride that may or may not happen:

(Actual terrain and scenery may vary.)

If it does, you can expect the following:

–Short notice from me;
–Trespassing;
–Irregular surfaces that will allow you to justify that fancy new gravel bike you bought;
–Finishing someplace that serves beer.

I’d say that as of this moment here’s a 68% chance this ride will happen, and if it does there’s a 99% chance I’ll be the slowest person on it if yesterday’s ride was any indication.

I don’t use Strava, but if I did I don’t think it would ever leave auto-pause mode.

Speaking of riding on bumpy roads and stuff, yesterday saw the running of the [?]th edition of Paris-Roubaix, which was won by [?] after a solo attack/select group escaped on the penultimate cobbled sector/unprecedented 30-rider field sprint/trackstanding competition on the infield of the Roubaix velodrome:

(Generic creative commons photo of bicycle racers from a reace that is not Paris-Roubaix because at this point in my life I can’t be bothered.)
As usual, riders did stuff like double-tape their bars and use top-mount brake levers, which always gets lots of press nothing thrills Freds more than occasional pro rider transgressions of those idiotic Velominati rules.  
Before he headed to the team bus, Boonen was asked what he would do next. “Now? I’m going to look for my car,” he said with a laugh. That closed out the crazy scenery at the Quick-Step Floors team bus.

Journalists seem to want Tom Boonen to get all emotional about all of this, but you’ve got to imagine few things feel better than crossing the finish line of the race you’ve won four (?) times, firing off that last urine sample, and then driving off in your Hyundai with the knowledge you’ve never got to do it again.

As long as he avoids any ill-advised comebacks he should be in good shape:

Those never seem to turn out well:

Lastly, for those of you who live and ride in New York City, here’s a petition for a two-way bike lane on Broadway in the Bronx along Van Cortlandt Park:


With a street design that encourages speeding for vehicles moving from Yonkers to Manhattan, we need a safer way for pedestrian and cyclist to access Van Cortlandt Park that also curbs speeding on Broadway.

Narrower vehicle lanes, pedestrian islands, sidewalk extensions and a dedicated, 2-way protected bike lane alongside the park would provide our community with a safer, stress-free access to the park and turn Broadway from a speedway, to a street inclusive of all road users.

You’re goddamn right we do.

So sign it, because it makes my life better. Continue reading »

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BSNYC Friday No Quiz Because Technology Has Failed Us All

There once was a Fred from the coast/
Who installed a new dropper post/
At first it was sticky/
But then it went quickly/
And now his poor huevos are toast.

—William Shakespeare

Blogger, the old-timey blogging platform I use because I am an e-retrogrouch, has been down all day.  As a result, until pretty much this very moment I’ve been unable to curate my own blog.  Therefore, in the interest of at least providing you with a few words to read before you fork off for the weekend, today’s post will be a short one.

You’re welcome, and don’t blame me.  Blame G**gle, who run Blogger, or perhaps dark forces hacked their way into it, who the hell even knows these days.

Not like it’s a big deal, because it’s not like I don’t have a whole other blog for you to read or anything.

Anyway, remember that Montana state senator who was taxing cyclists to stop the spread of zebra mussels?

New section. Section 4. Nonresident invasive species bicycle decal.

1. an invasive species decal must be affixed in a conspicuous place to each bicycle that is brought into and used in montana by a nonresident. A nonresident may not use or give permission for the use of a bicycle the nonresident brought into the state on which an invasive species decal is not affixed.
2. an invasive species decal must be purchased each calendar year for $25 at locations prescribed by the department of fish, wildlife, and parks. The decal is not transferable between bicycles.
3. money collected by payment of fees under this section must be deposited in the invasive species account established in 80-7-1004.

Well now the legistlature is saying it was a joke or something:

During its first hearing Wednesday afternoon before the house Natural Resources Committee, the amendment’s sponsor, Senator Chas Vincent made this admission:

“Just for a little background on that, you know, maybe it was a little bit of an April Fools.”

Wait, what???

All else aside, the senate approved it on March fucking 30th, which is a clear violation of global April Fool’s protocol.

Not even the French, with their strange poisson d’avril custom, would find this acceptable.

So here’s the story:

Here’s what Vincent’s talking about. Several weeks ago, Sen. Sales made national news when he made these remarks about cyclists during testimony about a different cycling-related bill:

“They’re some of the rudest people I’ve ever – I hate to say it, but I’m just going to be bold – they’re some of the most self-centered, rude people navigating on the highways, or on the county roads that I’ve seen. They won’t move over, you can honk at them but they think they own the highway.”

That generated some major blow-back.

Wow, big fucking surprise.

Senator Vincent described the messages sent to Senate President Sales as:

“Some of the most ugly and nasty messages I’ve ever heard left on anybody – legislators – cell phone. He’s got them if you want to listen to them. It’s remarkable, actually.”

I don’t think it’s at all remarkable.  By the way, were any of those messages about how he can get fucked to death with a dropper post?  Because that’s what I would have said.

And that, according to Vincent, was the basis for Sales’s amendment that’s again being described by some as “anti-cyclist.”

“A lot of us had heard [those messages], so when he stood up to propose an amendment to charge a $25 fee for everybody who doesn’t have a state bike and wants to ride in Montana, as you can imagine it was kind of a comedic relief moment, but the amendment went on,” says Vincent. “And then he voted for it. So, it was kind of a fun day.”

What the hell kind of state legislature is this???  They’re almost as thin-skinned as our president.  This Sales guy really needs to see a doctor about extricating whatever invasive species crawled up his ass.

So now you’re up to date, and you can add Montana to the list of bike-unfriendly places to avoid, just under Australia:

Finally, I leave you with this:

I wonder #whatmouthpieceyourunning on those brass instruments.

Ride safe this weekend, and I’ll see you back here on Monday…hopefully.

I love you,

–Wildcat Rock Machine

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Flexing Your Mussels

Today’s post needs be short, but rest assured that if you want more of me–and who doesn’t?–you can get it over at the Bike Forecast, which today features my award-winning nature photography:

That’s actually a photo of a lion peering out from the reeds, but unfortunately you can’t see it because it’s behind the hawk.

Speaking of nature, Montana is under siege by killer mussels, and in order to combat this scourge they’re going to tax visiting bicyclists:

That’s right, if you’re not a Montanan and you should suddenly find yourself in “Big Sky Country” somehow (like you were abducted by aliens during a ride, probed anally, and then unceremoniously dumped there by the Grays) you’d better have a “nonresident invasive species decal” on your bike or there’s gonna be trouble:

New section. Section 4. Nonresident invasive species bicycle decal.

1. an invasive species decal must be affixed in a conspicuous place to each bicycle that is brought into and used in montana by a nonresident. A nonresident may not use or give permission for the use of a bicycle the nonresident brought into the state on which an invasive species decal is not affixed.
2. an invasive species decal must be purchased each calendar year for $25 at locations prescribed by the department of fish, wildlife, and parks. The decal is not transferable between bicycles.
3. money collected by payment of fees under this section must be deposited in the invasive species account established in 80-7-1004.

And no, as far as I can tell this was not some kind of April Fool’s joke, as the douchebag responsible apparently has a great big alien probing wand up his ass over cyclists for some reason.  Here’s what he said about them when he spoke against a bicycle safety bill:

“They’re some of the most self-centered, rude people navigating on the highways and county roads I’ve seen. They won’t move over. You can honk at them. They think they own the highway.”

The Senate president also criticized cyclists by saying they use the road without paying a gas tax to support maintenance, and suggested cyclists over the age of 16 should pay a $25 tax.

“They have this entitlement mentality, many of them, that we should just wait for them, and quite frankly I think that’s wrong. … Quite frankly I don’t want more of them in the state because there’s already too many of them as it is.”

Wow, what a shitbag.  Good luck with your zebra mussels, asshole.  I guess if I ever visit Montana I’ll bring a big bag of the little fuckers (they’re apparently invasive here too so finding some shouldn’t be too hard) and flush them down Montana’s only toilet.

“Welcome to Montana! Swim, my little lovelies!”  BA-WOOSH!!!!

They’re totally going to erect a statue of this guy in New South Wales.

Lastly, remember how last year I curated the Second Annual BSNYC Gran Fondon’t?

Sure you do.

Well I’m pleased to announce there’s roughly a 70% chance there will be another one this year.  Moreover, there’s also a 59% chance that prior to the Fondon’t I’ll curate some kind of Pre-Fondon’t, and if I do that there’s also a 40% chance I’ll procure some sort of sponsor to buy us beer afterwards.

Just keep in mind that there’s also a 75% chance that none of this will happen, which I realize defies the laws of mathematics, but you see I never was very good at math.

And there you have it.

See you tomorrow.

Love,

–Wildcat Rock Machine

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BSNYC Friday No Quiz Just Despair!

I wear many hats (not helmets) as a semi-professional bike blogger and world-tolerated authority on nothing in particular, one of which is the editor-in-chief, curator, and chef de cuisine of the Daily Bike Forecast:

Which, as I mentioned yesterday, received a nice little mention in what our toddler-in-chief calls the “Failing New York Times.”  Anyway, some of the Times’s failing commenters left the typical comments we’ve all come to expect from any mention of bikes in the mainstream press, and while it would be indecorous of me to reply to them in that august venue I’m inclined to reply to them here on my own blog where I have free reign to go “full douche.”

Here are the comments first, with my replies below:

KL: It did, you putz.  Go call 1010 WINS and make them tell motorists to stop driving like assholes and killing people.  Once you’ve done that then come back and break my balls.

NYC Taxpayer: Even if were true there are well over 4 million people in Brooklyn and Manhattan, many of whom pay taxes (with certain exceptions such as Donald Trump), so seems pretty fair to me.  If one were as big a dipshit as you one could also argue that with a population of under 500,000 maintaining any sort of roads for Staten Islanders is also a waste.  But I wouldn’t do that, since people who couldn’t get it together to move all the way to Jersey deserve infrastructure too.

Thanks for singlehandedly bankrolling the city with your massive tax outlay though.

Peggy: And I would add: Stop driving cars on the sidewalks. Stay off paths in the Parks that are off-limits to cars — for very good reasons: toddlers and the physically impaired, and dogs, like people, out for a walk.
Drivers who drive like maniacs, who drive on the sidewalks, who drive through red lights, who turn the corner (even on a green light) without looking at the cross walk, who drive on off-limits paths in the parks — are a menace. And here’s to the drivers who don’t do those things — but I would say your less-lawful fellow drivers are giving you all a bad name.

Also, shut up, Peggy.

Oh, there was also a supportive one:

Email is indeed always welcome, though they can also just fuck off if that’s easier for them.

It certainly is for me.

It’s amazing to consider how many people wake up early in the morning, perform their daily ablutions, pull up a comfy chair, and proceed to write the dumbest shit you’ve ever read.

Then again, I suppose that’s what I do as a blogger.

Holy crap, I just blew my own mind.

Speaking of comments, I was dismayed to read this one on yesterday’s post:

Aussie Arsehole said…

FYI, For the past week there has been a bicycle race across Australia, 5500kms from Perth to Sydney. And today – a fucking Australian motorist killed Mike Hall. A man who was an inspiration to many, a man who had ridden 10,000s of kms in endurance races around the world. And he dies on a fucking Australian road. A country with a well earned reputation as the worst place in the world to ride a bicycle. Will the fucking Australian police send his estate a few fucking $500 traffic fines – I’m sure they can find something – they do whenever I ride in that god forsaken country. 

RIP Mike Hall.

Here’s more about Mike Hall:

Hall was a towering figure in the world of ultracycling, not just for his riding, but also for the events he organised – this year sees the fifth edition of the Transcontinental Race, which he founded in 2013 – and the inspiration and encouragement he gave to others.

He won the TransAm Race twice and the Tour Divide, and holds the records for completing both events in the shortest time. In 2012, he won the World Cycle Race in 91 days, 18 hours, faster than the then Guinness World Record for circumnavigating the globe by bicycle.

And about the Indian Pacific Wheel Race:


Which has now been cancelled.

And with the weekend coming we might as well keep it morbid and move on to the driver who killed five cyclists in Kalamazoo, who will now stand trial for second-degree murder:

KALAMAZOO, Mich. (AP) — A motorist accused of killing five bicyclists and injuring four others in southwestern Michigan will stand trial on second-degree murder charges.

A Kalamazoo County Circuit judge has denied Charles Pickett Jr.’s motion to reverse an earlier ruling that allowed the murder charges.

The judge also denied Pickett’s efforts to suppress statements he made to police about the crash.

He should have committed his crime in New York City, because if he had he’d now be free on $15,000 bail:


According to the Post, Pelaez told police that his car had been stolen and that he wasn’t driving the car during the hit-and-run. However, detectives saw Palaez driving his BMW on August 10, and also had cell phone records that showed he was near the scene of the fatal collision when it happened. The paper reported that Nin’s relatives were upset that a judge set Palaez’s bail at $15,000 (though the News reported the number at $25,000). “It’s ridiculous . . . It’s outrageous,” Nin’s uncle Alcides Urena told the paper.

So let’s see:

–He “allegedly” (ahem) killed somebody with his car;
–He fled the scene;
–He lied to the police.

Nah, doesn’t seem like a flight risk to me.

But Patrick George of Jalopnik is right, cyclists really should have more of a sense of humor about this sort of thing.

That’s not to say the police and the justice system won’t come down hard on you in the name of #VisionZero, it’s just that for that to happen you need to be riding a bike:


It was then that McLeish informed them that he had been following them for blocks and had seen them run four red lights. He returned to his car to finish up the paperwork, and that’s when reality set in.

“At that point we realized that we’d gotten ticketed for four different red lights,” Frey said. “We were kind of stunned.”

As the couple would learn shortly, not only were they getting four tickets for running red lights, but because of rules meant to apply to drivers who commit repeat offenses within the course of 18 months, the fines would increase for each successive one. The first red light was to cost them $150 each. The second: $350. The last two: $900.

Many years ago I got dinged for rolling through two red lights at a pair of “T” intersections, and if I remember correctly it was “these ones,” as we used to say:

It was a hell of a fine, and my boss at the time berated me when I told him I needed to go out to traffic court on Coney Island, though ultimately he allowed it.  (I was fortunate enough to have the kind of job where missing a day didn’t also mean missing a day’s pay.)  Alas, I didn’t get anywhere with the judge, and ultimately had to fork over the money.

There’s a naive part of me that thinks, instead of applying the same penalties to cyclists and drivers, there’s probably a way to discourage cyclists from running red lights and to even penalize them for it in proportion to the danger this behavior actually represents.  (Which really isn’t very much.)  But of course this would involve moving past the American approach to “equality” (fucking everybody equally hard no matter how big or how small) and treating different people and different situations in a way that actually makes sense.

In other words it’ll never happen. Continue reading »

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