Further to Monday’s post, here’s a fun one:
I like @EmotionalHangs but was blown away by De Rosa arguing that he has the right to do violence to cyclists. https://t.co/V5JobGbixS
— Aaron Naparstek (@Naparstek) September 18, 2017
As we all know, every time a motorist parks a car they’re doing something monumentally important. Indeed, it’s a monumental engineering feat as significant as the Moon landing. The rest of us, however, are merely in the way:
You can guess where this Twitter exchange went next.
Yes, thanks to the post-Apatow “inside the tortured soul of a comic” film and TV genre there’s a sentiment among even middling comedians now that they’re all misunderstood geniuses. That’s why when something they say elicits jeers because it’s totally out of touch they deflect any critique with the whole “whiny PC white privilege” thing:
I’ve been doing just fine without your support. Have fun policing comedy and somehow comparing cycling to the struggle. White Privilege twat
— Joe DeRosa (@joederosacomedy) September 18, 2017
Wow, those two smuggies got under his skin as effortlessly as a puppy burrowing under a blanket.
Of course, in fairness to the comedian, he may have been traumatized by a failed attempt to walk over the Williamsburg Bridge years back:
It was an okay bit until the hackneyed stick-in-the-spoke comment.
Ultimately though, both the bike lane thing and the dooring rant share the same underlying theme (bicycles aside), which is that a lot of people lash out when they’ve done something wrong because they feel embarrassed. A greater understanding of this would probably bump this guy’s comedy up a notch, but he’s been “doing just fine” as it is according to him, and I suppose there is a certain dignity to embracing mediocrity so good luck with that.
In other news, are step-through bikes becoming the new helmet? Well, maybe, if a Dutch safety foundation has its way:
VVN claims that, based on a Swedish study, women’s bikes are safer because cyclists assume a better posture while riding women’s bikes and they have a lesser chance of getting a serious head injury when they are involved in traffic accidents. Other reasons given by VVN to ban men’s bikes in traffic are “dads giving their kid a ride with their bike” because this “may cause the child to fall off the bike or the bike to fall over as the dad takes a seat.”
Yes, the deadly allure of hitching a ride on a top tube is almost impossible to resist. Just ask The King of Park Slope:
Okay, fine, neither passenger is actually hitching a ride on the top tube, but I just couldn’t resist using the photo again.
Anyway, as the story points out, the whole idea of assigning genders to bicycles based on whether or not they have top tubes is kind of ridiculous:
They have a point; nobody complains about Citibikes and other shared bikes being gender neutral. In fact there is no reason to bring gender into it at all; racing bikes, where every ounce matters, have cross bars because the triangle is the most efficient structural form, and women racers have them. But in the city, a few ounces don’t matter all that much. It’s a design and safety issue, not a gender issue, when it comes right down to it. And thanks to the bike share systems, I don’t think any male rider is actually embarrassed by riding a bike without a crossbar.
Though I would argue that there are some riders who should be embarrassed to ride a bicycle without one. Consider the Y-Foil for example:
And while it’s debatable as to whether the beam of a Softride counts as a top tube, those too are a source of great shame:
Plus, if you try to give someone a ride on one of those then there’s a good chance they’ll get catapulted into next week:
So on balance the whole premise is pretty ridiculous, since obviously an upright step-through bike is more practical in a lot of non-sporting applications. However, I do thing the thing about rider position and injury is an important point nobody seems to make (and hit has nothing to do with whether the bike has a top tube or not). Consider a rider in this position:
And a rider in this position:
In the event of a crash, who do you think’s going down harder?
Still, it’s important to keep in mind that this same safety foundation also partnered with Shell on trying to get Dutch people to wear helmets, as someone mentioned in the comments on the article:
Trying to sell the Dutch on helmets makes about as much sense as trying to open a Red Lobster at the Western Wall:
Finally, we all know that cyclists are part of a conspiracy to steal private property from hardworking Americans:
I looked Mitch Henck and was delighted to find that not only is he a radio host, but he’s also a stand-up comedian:
Needs more bike material. Continue reading
Cycling: it’s the closest you can get to the sensation of flight without leaving the ground. (Not counting the inhalation of spray-on deodorant through a bath towel, of course.) Whether you’re riding to work, riding to the store, or just riding for no reason at all, you feel like you’re miles above the ground, and once you’re seduced by the kinetics of riding a bike you need it to feed your soul.
Unfortunately, there’s always someone in a car out there ready to send you crashing to the ground, either literally or metaphorically. It could be a hurled invective, it could be a violation of your right of way, or it could be them actually hitting you, either on purpose or by “accident.” But of course you’ve got “the same rights and responsibilities” as drivers [insert wanking emoji here], so as far as most people are concerned that’s just the way it is.
As infuriating as this is, it used to stop there. What I mean is that once you finished your ride and came home (assuming you made it home) you’d shut your door, crack open a recovery beverage, and eventually whatever frustrations you’d encountered out there on the road would melt away. Not anymore. Now the battle rages on across social media and in the comments section of any article on the subject of cycling, no matter whether the article’s positive, negative or indifferent.
The upshot of all this is that unless you’ve one of the very few people who have managed to remain totally disconnected into 2017 then the “Runnem inna dyyyitch!” never, ever stops.
Which itself is born of a Twitter exchange:
Surely my life would be more tranquil if I muted this acrimony, but when people threaten my way of life I find that watching funny cat videos or simply celebrating the awesomeness of cycling isn’t enough. I need to know what we’re up against.
Anyway, I had a Twitter exchange one early morning this week that really hit me hard. I had screenshot and then tweeted comments from four people, all expressing emphatically that they disliked bikes and wanted them off the road. (My favorite: “I hate when ppl ride bikes in the street like they cars…plz get hit.”)
Whenever I post this sort of stuff or share links about cyclists getting hit by cars, I typically get some pushback, sometimes genial and sometimes irritated, from people who feel like I’m being too dark. I’m used to it. In this case, a friend in the bike industry responded that my effort “seemed like a big waste of time” and that I should “go get a cup of coffee” because “we’re making progress.”
I think this idea of progress is at once empirically true and obvious bullshit.
It’s a very good piece. (Though I’d argue that when you’re about to make a comparison to the Black Lives Matter in your cycling article it’s time to take a deep breath and step away from the keyboard for a bit.) But of course it wasn’t long before the article elicited a new wave of toxic commentary:
Now that some angry non-cyclists have found @cyclingtips commentary, the comments are getting hot. As I said, this is what we’re up against pic.twitter.com/U9g56Kw8k7
— Peter Flax (@Pflax1) September 18, 2017
I scanned some of this commentary, and it’s the usual stuff about how cyclists feel entitled because their bicycles don’t pollute, and how they’re unfairly subjecting poor innocent drivers to their vulnerable presence, and that cyclists are somehow on the wrong end of Darwinism when anyone with half a brain can see it’s the driver that’s the plodding dinosaur and it’s the cyclist who’s the nimble and adaptable little warm-blooded mammal.
You know, bullshit.
Meanwhile, this past weekend Drunk Cyclist tagged me on another hateful exchange begun by someone apparently involved in something called “Barstool Sports:”
Check out this #highschoolfootballjock nonsense @theamandabatty @bikesnobnyc @TheRadavist @peopleforbikes https://t.co/EYs9xWwrQQ
— drunkcyclist (@drunkcyclist) September 17, 2017
I was unfamiliar with Barstool Sports, but I looked it up and it turned out to be pretty much exactly what I suspected it was:
The site has received repeated criticism over content posted on Barstool Sports that critics of the site allege normalizes rape culture. Comments that have sparked debate include a post on a 2010 blog where Portnoy said “[E]ven though I never condone rape if you’re a size 6 and you’re wearing skinny jeans you kind of deserve to be raped right?” Other elements that have received criticism include comments such as “we don’t condone rape of any kind at our Blackout Parties … however if a chick passes out that’s a gray area”.
In light of this it was difficult to get too worked up, inasmuch as I’ve been defining myself in opposition to the American Sports Bro for pretty much as long as I remember. I don’t think there’s every been a period of my life in which I haven’t encountered people like this being hateful douchebags. Given this, why wouldn’t the people who hated me then not still hate me now? It’s hard to muster up the mental energy to waste on Kurt and Ram from “Heathers” when you resolved to stop doing so in elementary school:
Indeed, it’s getting harder and harder for me to muster up the mental energy for any form of idiotic cycling commentary, inasmuch as it’s so manifestly stupid that it sort of undermines itself. At a certain point you might as well debate a flat-earther or a creationist. At the same time, it’s hard not to take inventory of all the hateful commentary with which we are now inundated, both cycling and non-cycling related, and wonder what it says about us and our future. I mean surely the fact we have an internet troll for a president means we’ve hit some sort of intellectual low water mark, right?
Maybe. Or maybe it’s as simple as humanity’s idiot quotient being sort of a universal constant, and all we’re seeing is the digitization of that idiocy and the inevitable fallout. Either way, from a strictly cycling perspective, here’s the bottom line:
Cyclists only seem arrogant and entitled because they are usually intelligent and correct.
— Bike Snob NYC (@bikesnobnyc) September 18, 2017
They can try to choke us out with our coal, but our victory is inevitable. Continue reading
It’s Friday, and as usual my latest Outside column is gestating inside whatever magic machine they have that puts it onto the Internet. Rest assured that as soon as it’s rendered I will duly flog it here. So watch this space:
In the meantime, I’d like to apologize for my extremely poor performance on this morning’s mountain bike outing:
I’m like Sean Spicer out here, every line I choose is wrong. pic.twitter.com/P8jpgR2O9b
— Bike Snob NYC (@bikesnobnyc) September 15, 2017
Yes. Yes it is.
Anyway, I should explain that when I say “poor performance” I don’t mean riding slowly. These days, riding slowly is what I do, and if anything I strive for slowness as it is stately and dignified. Riding quickly is like shotgunning a fine wine, and I hold those who do so in deep contempt.
Oh sure, I can blame the fact I haven’t ridden a mountain bike in awhile, or that I was riding someplace I usually don’t. I can even blame the fact that I didn’t use a precisely calibrated instrument make sure my #whatpressureyourunning was accurate to five decimal places. But sometimes–just sometimes–you have to come to terms with the underlying problem:
Well la di fricken la: Trek sued over use of Farley name on fat bikes. https://t.co/BiAigBj8t6 pic.twitter.com/OTKjvnLyrX
— BRAIN (@BicycleRetailer) September 15, 2017
Always kinda funny when corporate irreverence totally backfires.
Then I could set it up with one of these:
Quantify just how rad you are with the ShredMate | https://t.co/MFW3qgjOj6 pic.twitter.com/fLSN6GUgS4
— BikeRadar (@bikeradar) September 15, 2017
Sounds like something you’d keep in the kitchen drawer for making salads.
In any case, by this point we’ve all got one foot in the weekend so I’ll let you go for now, though I’ll be popping in again once the Outside thingy is ready.
Enjoy your weekend and ride safe,
–Wildcat Rock Machine
The Giro d’Italia cycling race will begin in Israel next year, marking the first time any leg of the sport’s three Grand Tours will take place outside of Europe.
Organisers said on Thursday that details of the exact route of the three stages to be held in Israel will be announced next week, with Italian and Israeli ministers making the announcement in Jerusalem along with the recently retired Spanish cyclist and two-times Giro winner Alberto Contador.
Yes, the inclusion of Contador is no accident, for now that he’s in retirement he’s finally embraced his true faith:
The website has also reported that the Israeli government will contribute towards running costs and will also be responsible for security, with the event expected to be the biggest security operation in Israel’s history.
Makes sense. The Six-Day War took six whole days, and with only three stages it sounds like they’re going to repel the Giro in about half the time.
And not only will the race begin in Jerusalem, but it’s going to end at the Vatican:
According to the publicity firm that issued the press release, the race is to end at the Vatican, with a theme of co-existence and peace.
Wow. Inasmuch as the route will basically cover the period from the Jewish diaspora to the establishment of Catholicism as the “one true church,” it is now basically a giant Judeo-Christian Theme Ride. Furthermore, this officially makes it the World’s Most Ambitious Theme Ride, and it promises to put anything those irreverent Portlanders might come up with to shame:
Onesies and Twosies—This is the type of oddball theme ride the month was made for. Dress in your best onesie and tour dive bars that serve drinks costing $2 or less. *Italian chef kiss*
And even this:
Pasta Costume Ride—Much like our last pick, we just really appreciate the idea of people gluing pasta to their clothes and riding bikes in the middle of the day. Pasta provided, but bring your own sauce. Seriously.
Yes, there’s nothing quite like the smell of a Portlander’s beard when it’s full of clam sauce.
Then again, I hear there’s a Passion of Jesus ride in the works for next year, and I suppose that could mount a significant challenge:
I can hardly wait:
Moving on, we’ve talked about Lucas Brunelle quite a bit this week, and here’s something to help put that sort of riding in perspective:
I don’t know what happened, there’s no schadenfreude whatsoever on my part, and people are already pointing out the livery cab does not appear to be properly registered, but at the same time the video does not look good:
So whatever the circumstances, Brunelle waving his dick around in traffic while this sort of thing happens to cyclists too goddamn often is probably at the core of why I find him to be so contemptible.
Be safe out there. Continue reading
Firstly, I’d like to thank the New York Cycling Club for inviting me to speak at their monthly membership meeting last night:
Which took place at a pub in Times Square:
If you can’t say #onyourleft nicely don’t say it at all!! #bikenyc @bikesnobnyc pic.twitter.com/6GbIj1bEyv
— Dan (@Dpluo) September 13, 2017
In ten (10) years of bike blogging I’ve given my share of talks to groups of bikey people, and without fail I’m always stricken by the graciousness and good cheer of the cycling community, and by the subsequent revelation that most of my criticisms of it apply entirely to myself–well, me and that maniac who yelled at me on the GWB last week for no reason.
I still don’t know what happened there.
Oh, and while I’m sure they’re all lovely people, every time I pass a Rapha group ride the right-wing aesthetic of people with matching armbands cycling in unison really creeps me out.
Anyway, my neuroses aside, it so happens that the NYCC is holding their annual Escape New York ride this Saturday, so if you’re looking to take part in a two-wheeled exodus with a group of like-minded individuals then this is something you should look into:
I’d love to join myself, but these days I’m lucky if I can escape my block, so I don’t know if it’s gonna happen. I’m also beyond remiss in curating another BSNYC Gran Fondon’t–or for that matter curating the photos submitted by participants in this past spring’s BSNYC BOOMB*! Pre-Fondon’t, which featured at least one destroyed derailleur and an impromptu portaging section which I threw in there just to keep everyone honest and weed out the road cleats:
Rest assured however that I will recap that ride. Not only that, but since so much time has gone by there will be plenty of room for fabrication, and it will doubtless take on epic proportions. As for the Fondon’t itself, I’m liable to spring that on you at any time. Maybe I’ll wait until the foliage is peaking. Or, more likely, maybe I’ll wait until I have a free weekend and the conditions seem favorable. I’ve also been flirting with the idea of incorporating a barbecue, but to be totally honest I don’t think I have the wherewithal to implement a plan so ambitious. But who knows?
Regardless, I’ll keep you posted.
Speaking of the almost stomach-churning goodness of the cycling community, I recently received an email from a reader in Washington (state) who asked me to share the following fundraiser, which I’m more than happy to do:
On September 10, 2017, The Major Taylor Project (MTP) had about 40 bicycles stolen* (valued at $50,000) from a storage container located at iDEA High School in Tacoma, WA. MTP is an important program that “empowers youth from diverse communities through bicycling…students establish healthy habits, build relationships, gain confidence and discover their ability to affect positive change. ” MTP club locations are intentionally established to reach youth in low-income and diverse neighborhoods and can be found in middle- and high school throughout King and Pierce counties. They reach more than 500 students annually, where many test their skills and perseverance by biking 206 miles from Seattle to Portland on the annual STP.
*UPDATE: The number of bikes stolen is confirmed to be about 31, valued at about $25,000.
These bikes were stolen from our community and more importantly, from children. These bicycles gave students the opportunity to:
* Go on weekly bike rides and explore their communities
* Learn about bicycle safety and maintenance
* Be a mechanism for advocating positive change in the community
* Receive training and leadership skills to assist and participate in bicycling events
So if you’re inclined to help out please do, because everyone deserves the opportunity to go on to a life of total Fred-dom. I’d stop short of buying them Garmins though, because our society is clearly developing an overreliance on GPS as it is:
Gabriel Bishop of Sellersville, Bucks County, at 10:37 p.m. Saturday was driving on a bike path, running along the Lehigh River and parallel to Canal Street. Police said he was following a GPS unit, which led Bishop to drive onto the bike path from Hugh Moore Park.
Bishop then allegedly tried to reverse west on the bike path when he realized he couldn’t head east any longer because the car couldn’t fit under the South Third Street bridge.
Bishop was unable to stay on the bike path when it narrowed and the car rolled off into the river, landing on the driver’s side, according to police. Investigators found the vehicle a quarter mile west from the South Third Street bridge.
I’m going to go ahead and assume that Gabriel Bishop of Sellersville, Bucks County selected the little bike icon on the Google Maps.
See, a lot of motorists think that menu is so they can choose which road user they want to kill, but it’s actually directions specific to that particular road user, and therefore your well-intentioned murder plot is liable to backfire.
Finally, what’s worse than Lucas Brunelle crashing your group ride?
Some guy crashing your group ride on a stupid motorbike:
The salient moment is at around 3:10, and all I know is that this guy and Lucas Brunelle should definitely start riding together, because they’d make great skitch buddies.
A commenter commented thusly:
The bunny hopping Fred in Ukraine kit is apparently Lucas Brunelle.
September 12, 2017 at 6:47 AM
“Ha ha,” I thought, until I looked into it, and guess what?
Come ride with us on Sunday on the beach for the tailwind of your life #miamisucksdontcome #rushracingteam @origin8cycling @kogel_bearings @mackcycleandfitness @cristianopiquet @cinelliusa @cinelli_officialA post shared by Lucas Brunelle (@lucasbrunelle) on Sep 8, 2017 at 10:02am PDT
Oh for chrissakes.
Yes, it would appear Brunelle’s attention-seeking disorder must have flared up, because prior to that he’d only been stirring up trouble in the suburbs:
I just love getting pulled over by suburban police for skitching #rushracingteam @cristianopiquet @cinelli_officialA post shared by Lucas Brunelle (@lucasbrunelle) on Aug 25, 2017 at 10:14am PDT
After that I assume they headed over to the mall, where they drew askance glances from patrons for using naughty words while hanging out in the food court.
It’s rare that I take the driver’s point of view on this blog, but imagine for a moment you’re taking the kids to soccer practice in the SUV or whatever it is suburbanites do, only to glance in your mirror and discover mischeivous manboy Lucas Brunelle clinging limpet-like to your Hyundai wearing that stupid camera helmet of his:
Objects in mirror may be dumber than they appear.
In other news, still no word on the wooden bicycle I’m waiting for, though one person on the Twitter had an interesting theory as to why that is:
Maybe you haven’t got your ride yet, because they’re still aging the scotch.https://t.co/d8r6VyDnPw
— (((Jerry))) (@gwhilts) September 12, 2017
“The American oak from which Glenmorangie makes its casks is a great wood,” said Renovo founder, Ken Wheeler. “Its engineering properties are ideal for bikes, as hard woods have a high stiffness.
“For us, the only aspect that was different was the shape of the staves, which have a curve to them, and the fact that they were a little damp, after spending years with whisky inside them… which, by the way, made them smell pretty good. Although, we have to admit to whisky fans, the scent has now diminished.”
Now Freds too can experience the pleasure of trying to explain to the arresting officer that they were not in fact drinking.
Firstly, arguably they should have asked Mario Cipollini instead:
Yes, Mario. We get it. They say they have large penises. Okay?
Secondly, is the person who asked the question actually serious?
I can’t help but notice that some of the taller riders, Chris Froome among them, seem to have unusually big/long feet and shoes. This is not limited to Froome or even riders tall in stature, and it appears to be disproportional. My question is, from a biomechanics and physics standpoint, does this offer riders greater leverage and power with the increased length? If so, would this encourage riders to wear larger shoes than they would off of the bike, given the improvements in stiffness and weight of carbon soles. Finally, should the UCI regulate shoe size “fudging?” (I know that last question might raise the ire of some readers.) Again, I am not signaling out Chris Froome; to me the phenomenon across the peloton raised the question in my head.
No, Joe. No they should not.
Great news! Or, if you’re not a fan of pro cycling, news! Yes, after a lengthy sponsor hunt that included a crowdfunding campaign, Cannondale-Drapac have finally found a new co-sponsor:
Edward Hult, CEO North America at EF Education First commented: “We are honoured to begin working alongside Slipstream Sports, Cannondale, Drapac, and all of the wonderful partners at Slipstream Sports to keep our cyclists riding into 2018 and for years to come.
“We were inspired to step in and become the team’s title partner, and will become majority partner, after learning about the #SaveArgyle campaign and witnessing the incredible outpouring of support from fans around the world.
“We have been moved by the powerful way that cycling unites people of diverse backgrounds in a peaceful, fun, and friendly way to achieve extraordinary athletic feats,” he added.
Hult no doubt also appreciates that pro cycling is a rolling cautionary tale, and that it teaches children how your life can turn out if you don’t stay in school:
Of course the big question is: What’s going to happen to all that crowdfunding cash?
Regarding the crowdfunding campaign, he said: “Given the feedback we’ve received from our backers, we will be using this money in 2018.
“We’re exploring several different options as to where these funds can best be used to bolster our efforts next season, as well as funding post-career rider education, and we look forward to communicating this with everyone when decisions have been finalised.”
In other words, in the spirit of post-career rider education, Jonathan Vaughters will be keeping the money:
Vaughters’s image seems to be slowly morphing from professor to Vegas floor manager.
How many sock primes would take for you to dope? Would you pop some raloxifene if it meant you’d be ranked top-three in your ZIP code according to USA Cycling? Amateur doping remains one of humanities biggest mysteries — right up there with the Bermuda Triangle.
I don’t know, seems to me doping actually works. What’s sillier: that, or buying the ridiculous equipment they’re always endorsing?
We’ve examined the “biomimicry” wheels before, but in case you’ve forgotten that’s $2,200 for the rear wheel and $1,800 for the front, all to harness the speed of a humpback whale, which I’m sure is completely transferrable to a bicycle.
Of course, Freds are not exactly known for their good judgment, which is why they’re content to Zwift away in the basement most days but then decide to hit the roads in the middle of hurricane Irma, as you’ve no doubt seen by now:
Here they are, and one of them even does a nice little bunnyhop at 46 seconds:
I’m assuming they were testing out the aero properties of their new Zipps, though another picture makes it look like they may have been trying to squeeze in an impromptu cyclocross clinic:
I wonder #whatpressureyourunning in a tropical storm. (I admit I stayed in during Sandy instead of reaping those massive training benefits.)
Either way, at least they were wearing their helmets:
— Paul S. Heckbert (@paulheckbert) September 10, 2017
Yeah, that’s right:
Ah, helmets: is there anything they can’t do?
And finally, speaking of cyclocross, Sven Nys delighted everyone at the Chicago Cross Cup this past weekend:
— Peg Keiner (@PegKeiner) September 10, 2017
Sandbagger. Continue reading
At some point in the not-too-distant future I suspect Outside will be publishing my latest bloviation, and once they do that you can be sure I’ll be back here to rub it in your face.In the meantime, I return to you from a morning road ride in which I w… Continue reading
Today is Thursday but Monday was a holiday so it’s practically Wednesday if you really think about it.
Sorry if I’ve been less than punctual, but it’s been a hectic week what with getting the kids back to school. (I’ve got seventeen (17) children in eighteen (18) different schools, so you can only imagine how complicated that is.) Also, after ten (10) years of bicycle blogging I recently decided I’ve transcended punctuality and can do whatever whenever, so I take it back and am not sorry at all:
If the auto industry wants to rebrand pedestrians as “petextrians” can we rebrand motorists as “motorfuckers”?
— Bike Snob NYC (@bikesnobnyc) September 6, 2017
I like “murderists” as a rebranding for motorists.https://t.co/aBjwzX4lj6
— Bike Snob NYC (@bikesnobnyc) September 7, 2017
Moving on, as I mentioned some time ago I’m due to receive a wooden bicycle for my incredibly methodical and scientific brand of bike testing:
Well, as of press time I haven’t seen so much as a splinter of the thing, much less been able to throw a leg over it and set those Strava segments on fire (taking care to avoid igniting the frame in the process), so there you go.
But don’t worry, because I’ve watched this YouTube video and I’m pretty sure I can tackle the project myself:
Unfortunately my first attempt at a bike didn’t quite come out as planned, but I’m sure you’ll agree it shows a lot of promise:
Speaking of the start of school (I was earlier, remember?) I was schlepping my younger one to to the Apple factory for his first season of educational labor assembling iPhones when it occurred to me I’m not sure how much more of this I can take:
To be honest I’m not sure how many more years of kid-schlepping I can handle without gettig an ebike.
— Bike Snob NYC (@bikesnobnyc) September 7, 2017
Hey, I’m not getting any younger, the mighty hills of the Bronx aren’t getting any easier, and I’m definitely deep in the red as far as dignity is concerned, so why the hell shouldn’t I give myself a little boost?
Yes, it was sort of a jarring and humbling moment when I realized I sort of wanted an ebike–not dissimilar to the melange of excitement and shame I felt when I decided I wanted a folding bike–but fortunately it turns out there is an alternative:
It has a certain quiet and understated dignity, wouldn’t you agree?
And yes, he totally said “you’re just a couple screws away” from “pure, torpedo-like action.”
Best of all, you can always upgrade to one of these:
Think about it.
Remember back in the hindquarters of the Dachshund of Time:
When athletes knew how to dress?
Pugilists wore tights and sashes and didn’t skimp on the hair cream:
Swimmers wore stripey “prison chic” unitards:
And cyclists dressed like Waldo from “Where’s Waldo?”
Well you’ll be pleased to know that today’s Fredly fashions are now seeking inspiration from the sartorial spirit of yesteryear. Meet the Café du Cycliste Annabelle bib shorts, complete with integrated base layer:
Even in hot weather (the Colorado front range frequently experiences temps in the high 90s) the Annabelle bibs felt airy and comfortable. Café du Cycliste touts the upper as efficient when it comes to moisture-wicking, and that seemed to play out on the road. Perhaps this was more noticeable because the Annabelles don’t have any bib straps to rub against the rider’s shoulders and chest, which leads to discomfort and chafing — especially when the skin gets coated in sweat. The built-in base layer distributes the weight of the bibs evenly across the shoulders and sits flush against the back and chest, which contributes to a second-skin feel.
Am I the only person who’s never experienced chafing from my bib short straps? I mean sure, my nipples are all calloused from breastfeeding, but still. Regardless, always make sure to use this product in conjunction with the appropriate mustache:
Alas, there was only one problem with old-timey athletic costumes, which is that they didn’t include foam hats:
See, everybody knows bicycle helmets are over 100% effective. This is why cyclist head injuries no longer occur in places where they are mandatory, such as Australia and Seattle. Here’s an infographic to help you understand:
Also, did you know that 99.9% of helmetless cyclists who were hit by drivers had it coming? It’s true, I read it in the Constitution, or the Bible, I forget which:
Anyway, there’s only one problem with helmets, and it’s this:
Step 1 was convincing people that not wearing a helmet is tantamount to suicide.
Step 2 was making them believe that something made out of a material that will remain in the environment until roughly the end of time somehow needs to be replaced every few years.
Step 3 was telling you that you need more vents and charging you more money for less helmet.
Step 4 was telling you that now you need fewer vents (to wit: Giro Air Attack).
And here comes the latest innovation, which is having a different number of vents for absoutely everything, which is what Oakley is now going for:
Oakley claim venting at the side and the back creates a vortex for the air to be pushed out the back to make you faster, which is why prominent venting still appears on the aero road and TT helmets. The BOA system used on the two road helmets is unique to Oakley, and instead of a cradle that fits all the way around your head there is a subtle lace either side, which not only adds to the comfort but also makes it far easier to fit your eyewear under your helmet (we tried it with some Oakley shades, it certainly works a treat). Vents on the front of the ARO 3 and 5 are also designed to hold your shades easier when the sun goes in.
Everything in bicycle marketing is like the miracle of the loaves and the fishes. Remember how they managed to turn the road bike into four bikes? (That’s “all-around road,” “aero road,” “endurance road,” and “gravel” in case you’re having trouble keeping track.) Now you’ve got to choose a different Oakley helmet depending on which one of those bikes you’re riding. Not that offering lots of different helmets is a new thing, but whereas it used to be the range would go from cheap to expensive, now they’re all expensive but can only be used in certain situations. At this rate it’s only a matter of time before the discriminating Fred or Frederica will be expected to have at least as many $200 helmets as they have socks.
Of course you could always just skip the helmet altogether, but then you wouldn’t be able to participate in sanctioned bicycle races, Gran Fondos, or massive charity rides–plus you’ll find yourself on the receiving end of all sorts of scorn from the Fredly Do-Right set.
In other words, there’s pretty much no downside.
Finally, here’s the fixed gear gravel “edit” you knew deep in your heart had to happen someday:
You’ve got to give ’em credit for coming up with something even more boring than the trackstand. Continue reading