Cross Over Alert

I've seen this a few times. But I cannot recommend it. Way to go if you have a short skirt and also...

For the full photographic glory and the rest of the text, you know where to go. The Original Cycle Chic awaits.
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BSNYC Friday Fun Quiz!

The Memorial Day weekend is upon us!  This means it's time to break out the white shoes, linen, and seersucker.  It also means I won't be posting on Monday, May 30th, but I'll be back on Tuesday with regular updates.

Let's hear it for America, Land of the Fee, Home of the Traffic!


And now, because you're cutting out of work early to go for a ride (or at least I am, if you're not that sucks for you) I'm pleased to present you with a quiz.  As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer.  If you're right you'll feel really good about yourself, and if you're wrong you'll despair and also see an "oopsie."

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and remember to celebrate Memorial Day the American way--by idling in bumper-to-bumper beach traffic and burning cheap gas for hours!

See you Tuesday,


--Wildcat Rock Machine









1) Bahraini prince and would-be cycling WorldTour team owner Sheikh Nasser bin Hamad Al Khalifa once beat the crap out of a dissident with a:

--Hose
--Pipe
--Toilet plunger
--Pair of designer sunglasses






2) Retired cyclist and race promoter Eddy Merckx once tortured a dissident with a searing hot disc brake rotor.

--True
--False
--Not enough information at this time







3) Which law enforcement agency will now be riding Budnitz bicycles?

--The Burlington, VT Police Department
--The Boulder, CO Police Department
--The New York City Police Department, Special Gentrification Task Force
--The Bahrain National Security Apparatus








4) A "Velojackr" is:

--Someone who steals bikes
--An exhibitionist who exposes himself while riding a bicycle
--An integrated water bottle/bicycle stand
--All of the above







(Not a Nazi, just a casual fan of Reinhard Heydrich and the SS.)

5) Metal band Slayer's balance bike "collabo" is called:

--The Headbanger
--The Captor of Sin
--The Slayer Balance Bike
--The Li'l Goebbels







(Just another jack-tard)

6) Silicon Valley is turning us into a bunch of "connected" douchebags and it has to fucking stop already.

--True
--False






7) Connected douchebags rejoice!  Google has patented:

--A self-driving bicycle
--An automaton who can drive a car
--A full-face bicycle helmet that uses an interactive LED display instead of a clear face shield
--An adhesive hood that pedestrians will stick to when they're hit by self-driving cars




***Special "You Know, This Bike Thing Just Might Catch On"-Themed Bonus Video!***




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Lighten Up

For the ultimate in City living. Get off at your fav lake or harbour stretch and take a quiet...

For the full photographic glory and the rest of the text, you know where to go. The Original Cycle Chic awaits.
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San Jose: Bike lanes proposed for Moorpark Ave, Winchester Blvd

A long stretch of Moorpark Avenue and a short segment of Winchester Boulevard are scheduled for repaving as part of the city of San Jose Pavement Maintenance Program. When streets are re-paved, the San Jose Department of Transportation also looks for opportunities to implement city policies related to elements of the General Plan and Vision Zero.

To that end, the San Jose Department of Transportation proposes new bike lanes for portions of Moorpark Avenue and Winchester Boulevard.

SJ DOT: Winchester Blvd Restripe proposal

Winchester Boulevard

DOT plans to add six foot bike lanes to either side of Winchester Boulevard along Santana Row and the Winchester Mystery House when they re-pave this road between Stevens Creek Boulevard and Tisch Way just north of I-280. The city will retain traffic capacity on the existing six lanes by reducing the lane width to current city standards.

Winchester is important because it’s a major north-south street providing access between residential and a huge commercial district in San Jose.

Moorpark Avenue

Moorpark is a little more … interesting. Most of the discussion at this meeting centered around Moorpark because some parking and a turning lane will be removed. The current configuration is five lanes: two eastbound, two westbound, and a center turn lane with pocket turns at major intersections. Street parking is available for the homes in the eastbound direction. The westbound direction is bounded by the I-280 sound wall.

DOT proposes reducing lane width and removing the center turn lane to make room for buffered bike lanes on both sides of Moorpark, resulting in two westbound lanes, two eastbound lanes, and a lane of curbside parking. In the Streetmix view below, you’re looking east.

SJ DOT: Moorpark Ave restriping proposal

SJDOT says modeling shows center turn lane removal will have no impact on traffic capacity, although it will delay people turning onto minor streets and driveways. At intersections, the pocket turn lanes will remain, so intersection level of service will remain the same. Of the thousands of street parking spaces available on eastbound Moorpark, up to 30 will be removed for daylighting to improve sight lines at uncontrolled intersections.

Traffic safety is currently pretty horrendous on Moorpark because the current lane configuration encourages speeding in spite of numerous intersections with poor sightlines. The narrower lanes should encourage safer driving behavior.

San Jose lacks east-west corridors for cycling, and adding Moorpark improves this east-west connectivity.

Complainers and Explainers

In spite of the less than trivial traffic impacts, of course some of the neighborhood wags showed up to complain, because change is horrible. In the approximate order I heard them:

  • “Bikes impede traffic!” You can see how badly bikes impede traffic in this video I shot while biking to this meeting.
  • In the very next breath, “I never see anybody use the existing bike lanes.”
  • Then, “Who’s crazy enough to bike around here? You’re taking your life in your hands?” The whole point of the project is to improve subjective and objective safety for people who want to ride bikes to the numerous destinations on Winchester and Moorpark.

Other notes:

  • When SJ DOT bike/ped planner John Brazil mentioned the city’s goal of increasing bike mode from its current one percent to 20 percent, the wags tittered loudly like poorly behaved bullying buttheads. Bikes outnumbered cars at this meeting, although “nobody rides bikes” in San Jose.
  • The demographic most likely to die in a traffic collision on surface streets in West San Jose are people over the age of 65, which closely matches the demographic opposed to bike lanes at this meeting. These folks are losing their eyesight and there will come a day when they lose their driving privileges, regardless of legacy policies that force everyone to drive whether they want to or not. Nevertheless, they still need to visit the grocery store, ophthalmologist, endocrinologist, and kidney dialysis center.
  • Most humorous question (regarding a proposed left turn lane on westbound Moorpark): “Why would anyone want to turn left here?” John Brazil’s completely straight faced answer, “People sometimes like to go home.”
  • Moorpark traffic volume between Saratoga and San Tomas is 16,000 vehicles per day, which is right at the threshold of what three lanes can handle. Between San Tomas and Winchester, Moorpark needs the four lanes to handle the 24,000 vehicles per day that travel this segment. It’s worth noting that significant traffic is generated by people trying to bypass congestion on I-280.
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Le Mans Start Today, Please Leave the Room and Wait for Further Instructions

Hello.

It's Public Service Thursday, which is a thing I just made up, and here's State Police Lieutenant Rob Davis to talk to you about bike safety in a lilting Michigan accent!



Now you know.

Meanwhile, a thousand or so miles due south in Louisiana, you've got his polar opposite, Sheriff Clay Higgins:



I realize I've posted this video before, but I feel strongly it's important to re-watch that at least once every few weeks.

You've now fulfilled the public service requirements for this blog.

Now let's move on to language.  Here on whatever the hell this blog's called we're constantly discovering new words and adding them to the lexicon of cycling.  Indeed, this week alone we've already learned "Velojackr:"

Velojackr [n]

1. Someone who steals bikes;

2. An exhibitionist who exposes himself while riding a bicycle.

And of course "Jack-tard:"

Jack-tard [n]

1. One who wears a cycling "smart jacket;"

2. One who experiences inordinate difficulty in completing the task of onanism.

Given the frequency with which new words arise, it's important to refresh our knowledge by occasionally revisiting older words, lest our collective vocabulary get snowed under in a blizzard of syntax.  To that end, this week's Refresher Word of the Day is "Budnitz:"

Budnitz [v]

1. To sell overpriced and rebranded design-y bikes to people who own loft apartments;
2. A common malapropism for "business" [e.g. "Taking care of Budnitz and working overtime."]
3. To catch the sleeve of your "smart jacket" in the spokes of your overpriced bicycle [e.g. "That velojacking jack-tard just tried to take his smart jacket off while riding, totally budnitzed it, and went right over the bars!"]

Anyway, astute readers may recall my own experience getting Budnitzed way back in 2012, and I was recently reminded of this because apparently now Old Man Budnitz is doing road bikes:


Paul Budnitz started a ti bike building company five years ago to construct something a bit different. What has developed over time are a series of swoopy, double-toptube frames with belt-drives and internally geared hubs. His newest bike – the Model Ø (or Zero) – takes the lessons he’s learned on city cruisers and mountain bikes and applies it to a fast-moving bike for longer commutes or even more dedicated road riding.

Yeah, they left out a little bit of the backstory, but whatever:


Anyway, the Budnitz O-With-A-Line-Through-It is apparently the culmination of two years of intense and uncompromising Budnitzing:


The new Budnitz Model Ø was two years in the making, as their designers worked to produce the fastest and most advanced bike in their catalog. Budnitz bikes use a twin-toptube design with a small weld connection at the seattube that allows the frame to flex in a unique way (much like Trek’s IsoCoupler) and gives a very smooth feel at the saddle. They received a lot of feedback from customers who wanted a fast bike with that same smooth ride, and so the new Model Ø was born.

I dunno, seems to me if the seat tube is welded to the top tube it's not moving like Trek's IsoCoupler, though I guess the way it looks makes you think it is, and I suppose that's the point:


It's also build for "fast off-road adventure:"

The bike begins with a handmade titanium frame and then builds to suit each customer starting with a carbon fork, a Gates Carbon belt drive, and a Di2 Alfine 11 speed hub. A Rohloff 14 speed option is also available. Tire-wise the Model Ø comes spec’d with 35mm Schwalbe Marathon Racers, but you can even swap in a set of knobby cross tires like Racing Ralphs for a bit more of a fast off-road adventure. The Model Ø get new-for-Budnitz geometry as well, with a shorter wheelbase and more road-oriented handling. It uses a tall tapered headtube and pairs with Enve fork and cockpit for rigid and predictable steering.

Even though no Budnitz customer in the history of Budnitzdom has ever or will ever undertake a "fast off-road adventure" (much less change the tires in order to do so).

Like all of his bikes, the Model Ø comes with a 100-mile no-questions-asked trial, so try and make sure you are happy when you buy. His frames and custom made components are also guaranteed for 100 years (not sure if that is to the original purchaser, or who will be handling claims in a century, whatever…), so we guess that is just a nod to confidence in their product and a willingness to stand behind what they make.

I suspect this 100-year warranty is more a nod to the confidence that no Budnitz customer will ever push their titanium frame to the point of failure, but sure, it sounds impressive to people who don't understand bikes.  The fact is you could safely slap the same warranty on a bicycle from BikesDirect--and indeed the warranty on a titanium Motobecane is also 100 years--but then you wouldn't get the pride of ownership that comes with paying $6,750 for a Budnitz:

The Model Zero is available in four stock sizes for $6750 for the complete build. They can also be painted-to-order in a wide range of standard solid colors for a $500 upcharge (nicely leaving the stays exposed ti.) Quantities are said to be limited, so hop on if you are looking for a smooth alternative ride for everything from morning road commutes to weekend gravel adventures.

Yowza!

Or, for that price, if you're looking for a "fast off-road adventure" you could buy two (2) titanium bikes made by the very same people who Budnitz pays to make his bikes for him:



Indeed, when I noticed you can even finance the goddamn things I almost did just that:


That's just dangerous.  There really ought to be a law against this sort of Fredatory lending.  And they even take trade-ins!

Wonder how much they'd give me for a lightly-used Budnitz.

Still, I suppose you can't put a price on riding the same bike as the Burlington, VT police department:


Who's doing their uniforms, Portlandia?

Meanwhile, in other news, it will no doubt shock you to learn that professional cycling is morally bankrupt:


(Via a reader)

Rumors started popping up in February that Sheikh Nasser bin Hamad Al Khalifa (the head of Bahrain’s Olympic committee and the eldest son of the King of Bahrain’s second wife) was planning on adding disgraced former cycling team owner Bjarne Riis to a freshly-announced, mysterious cycling project and try to start up a new WorldTour team for the 2017 season. This week, a report in Italian paper Corriere della Sera linked Italian superstar Vincenzo Nibali to the team, and Lampre officials confirmed to Cycling News that the Italian team was in talks with the Bahrainis regarding a takeover. It appears that Prince will get involved to some degree, bringing much-needed cash to a sport seemingly locked in an existential crisis. Professional cycling is cash-strapped and might very well embrace him. This is a mistake. Nasser bin Hamad Al Khalifa has been credibly accused of personally torturing pro-democracy dissidents, and he’s not the savior the sport needs.

Not only that, but he's a hands-on torturer too, as opposed to the kinds we have in our government:

Mohammed Hassan Jawad (64 yrs old) was blindfolded and handcuffed when Nasser Bin Hamad asked him “do you know who I am, its Nasser with you” Then the son of the king started interrogating Mr. Jawad about the Safriya protest and accusing him of organizing the protest. To force him to confess, Nasser beat Mr. Jawad with a hose on his head until he fell to the ground. Then Nasser started kicking him mostly on his back, while swearing at shia clerics and imams.

Of course, it's a bit late to be worrying about any of this, since Eddy Merckx has been working with oppressive governments for years:


Though on the plus side, I suppose all these characters make Oleg Tinkov look like Noam Chomsky.

In the meantime, it's good to see the UCI is focussing on important issues, like disc brake boo-boos.

Rubber hoses are one thing, but you wouldn't want the Sheikh beating any dissidents with a disc brake rotor.
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Beach Days

Floral dress (check), swim wear (check), sun screen (check). Its another beach day for the...

For the full photographic glory and the rest of the text, you know where to go. The Original Cycle Chic awaits.
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This Post Is Early By Wednesday Standards

Hi there!

As someone pointed out yesterday after the comments went all Godwin, this is a blog about bicycles, so let's talk about bikes.  Bikes!  And if you like to talk about bikes, you'll be pleased to know I've annexed (DO YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE?) the Marin Pine Mountain 1, which is now officially a part of my stable, or quiver, or pod, or murder, or swarm, or whatever you call a bunch of velocipedes:


The bike's just too much fun to ride to send back.

Also, once again, I should point out that the Marin Pine Mountain 1 is not technically a fat bike, so you can rest assured that I AM STILL NOT GETTING A FAT BIKE.


I'm not, really.  First you get a fat bike, then you get one of those Bluetooth handlebar speakers, and before you know it you've gone "full bro" and you're wearing Crocs to dinner parties.

Anyway, I liked the Marin just as it came out of the box, but now that it is my prisoner for life I've made some small modifications to better suit me: I've schlonged-out-and-donged-out the cockpit with my preferred longish stem (I find that makes for better climbing and more stable handling); I've also vag-ed up said cockpit by fitting my preferred dork-tastic labia majora-style Ergon grips; and finally I've swapped the saddle and seatpost for some others I had in my vast bicycle parts storage area.

And that's about all I'm gonna do until stuff wears out or breaks.

Speaking of breaking, after a couple months of road-only cycling due to a busted thumbing finger, the Marin was the perfect bike with which to regain my off-road footing, since wide gear ranges and even wider tires provide both confidence and margin for error.  However, now that I'm feeling sharp and over-confident again, this morning I broke out my Engin custom artisanal singlespeed instead:


I was secretly worried that the Marin might have ruined me for singlespeeds with "regular" sub-3" tires, but I couldn't have been more wrong, and as I rode I fell in love with this bike all over again and congratulated myself for the umpteenth time for ordering it.

Yay me.

Yes, we cyclists love our bikes, as the inventor of the "Velojackr" well knows:




"Cyclists.  We love our bikes, but we hate punctures.  Nobody wants to flip their bikes and risk damaging expensive saddles, handlebars, gear shifters, and other cycle-tech accessories by resting them on the ground."

Firstly, I could listen to the word "ground" spoken in a Scottish accent all day.  Secondly, is it really so hard to lay your bike down without damaging it?  All you have to do is lay it down in the grass:


That seems like a more convenient option than taking up your bottle cage real estate with this tool Thermos:


Also, it's hard to imagine the typical cyclist will be able to place the Velojackr's patented handlebar rests in just the right orientation to receive the cockpit:


("Initiate cockpit docking procedure!")

No offense, but the sorts of Freds who represent the target market for this typically don't possess that degree of spatial intelligence:


("Cockpit docking procedure complete!")

I've also got serious misgivings about the name, which seems like it would be defined thusly:

"Velojackr" [n]

1. Someone who steals bikes;

2. An exhibitionist who exposes himself while riding a bicycle.

The latter definition is reinforced by the fact that the Velojackr comes with gloves:


Because what's creepier than someone slipping on a pair of latex gloves?


It's almost as creepy as holding things near your midsection and measuring them:


Meanwhile, on the other end of the cycling spectrum from the Fredcycle with its cluttered cockpit is The Perfect Urban Bike:



Which is pretty much just like every other "minimalist" mail order bike, with the addition of some tire liners:


Or you could just use better tires, but that would be too easy.

Indeed, it's telling that the most promising Kickstarter innovation currently soliciting funding is the Rainette:


Which is basically a waterproof human baby sack:


This should go over especially well in America.  After all, most people think you're crazy for transporting a child by bicycle on a beautiful sunny day, so you can only imagine their horror when it starts raining and you stuff your kid in a sack:


Hey, don't get me wrong, as a child-schlepper and parent I'm all in favor of both foul-weather child transport and putting kids in bags.  It's just that the typical layperson probably wouldn't understand--though of course it's perfectly fine when the NYPD does it:


I guess they're taking that prisoner to go.

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Yellow

Simply amazing. Yellow! Perfection. What is there to add? Enjoy! Happy Cycling! The Original...

For the full photographic glory and the rest of the text, you know where to go. The Original Cycle Chic awaits.
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Bikes May Use Full Runway (Not)

As a teen I shared the road with military aircraft. This story of a guy who was knocked from his bike by an American Airlines flight at LAX reminds me of my own personal encounter with jet blast on a military base.

Yokota Air Base Japan perimeter road

I grew up as a “military brat,” with my teen years spent mostly at a US Air Force Base in Japan. The yellow circle above (called the “West Housing Area,” because it’s west of the runway) shows where I lived, while some of my friends lived around the red circle (in the — you guessed it — “East Housing Area”). The green shows the four mile bike route from my home to my friends’ homes.

This perimeter road around the north end of this base crosses the 1000 foot long runway blast zone. Aircraft aren’t allowed here, but it’s paved because otherwise the constant jet blast would carve out a nice muddy valley in this zone. This is the area marked with yellow chevrons on this more detailed view grabbed from Google Maps satellite view.

Yokota Air Base Japan perimeter road

Automobile and bicycle access to this road across the blast zone is controlled by a traffic signal. Green means go, red means stop. If you run this light, you’ll get hit with blast from a military jet either taking off or landing. When the light runs red, a loud alarm bell also sounds continuously.

I was 16 or 17 years old and riding eastbound about 500 feet past the runway traffic light at the spot marked “Start” when I heard the bell begin to ring behind me. I saw the C-5A Galaxy — at the time the largest military cargo jet in the world — taxiing for takeoff 300 yards to my right. I was already near the runway overrun area, and after another couple hundred feet I’d be clear of the danger zone.

I know the airport controller saw me so I figure I’m safe. Instead, the 21 year old A1C in the tower apparently thought it would be hilarious to teach the kid on a bike a lesson and told the C-5A pilot to spin his 100,000 pounds of thrust into my face.

I didn’t get knocked off my bike, but the high speed wash of hot kerosene fumes wasn’t exactly pleasant. Grrr….

These days, I’m told a bike path more closely follows the fence to go beyond the blast zone and into the ALS. It adds about a half mile to the trip, but it’s probably worth avoiding the anxiety of sharing the road with military jet traffic.

 

A need for speed…

Top Gun Maverick motorcycle races fighter jet

Old timers might remember the scene from the movie “Top Gun” when Maverick / Tom Cruise rides his motorcycle alongside a fighter jet. In the top map, you might see my green bike route parallels the east taxiway. The taxiway is almost immediately adjacent to this road. Fighter jet pilots generally taxi their jets at about 20 MPH on straightaways like this, so it was kind of fun as a teen to pretend to “race” my bike against F4 Phantom fighters. The fighter pilots were, without exception, much friendlier than pimply-faced senior airman.

In any case, this early and constant exposure to the sound of freedom might explain some of my carefree attitude about riding a bike in heavy, high-speed traffic.

While I’m reminiscing …

One of those stupid teenage dare things was to drive your car in the middle of the night down the runway.

A military runway.

We didn’t have nuclear weapons at this base, and we weren’t in a war zone like our friends in Korea, so the security police didn’t have shoot-on-sight authority. Still, we’re talking about young guys with machine guns protecting multi-million dollar military hardware. I’ve never even been remotely tempted to try this, but one of my classmates was apparently egged into it during an episode of drunken stupidity, lost control of his car and was, unfortunately, killed. A military base is a like a small town, so everybody saw the sobering aftermath.

With a tip of the hat to Biking In L.A for the pointer about the LAX jet wash story.

If you’re curious about where I grew up, we apparently had a problem with zombies according to this manga series and this live action film adaption.

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Not Your Father’s BMX…Oh Wait Yes It Is.

First of all, further to yesterday's post, various Gran Fondon't participants commented to testify on behalf of the Toyota Matrix driver I pilloried therein.  Apparently the Matrix driver was not honking at us, and was instead honking at the Porsche driver.  Or something.

Inasmuch as I was at the front of the ride (owing both to my responsibilities as ride leader as well as my formidable climbing prowess), I admit I did not witness the genesis of the event, and therefore I will defer to those whose vantage point allowed them to watch it unfold in its entirety.  And if I did indeed mistakenly berate the Matrix driver, I'd like to apologize to him, as well as to Matrix drivers everywhere, assuming they are not assholes:



As for the Porsche driver, there seems to be unanimity in the opinion that he was a gigantic douchebag, so screw him.

Moving on, as you've probably heard by now, metal band Slayer (whose music is currently blasting out of roughly 2/3rds of the Toyota Matrices on the road today) have embarked upon a bicycle "collabo" with the BMX company Subrosa:


And in addition to both 20" and 26" BMX bikes, the new Slayer line will also include a 700c whatever-this-is:


As well as a balance bike:


Because apparently the amount of time it takes for a metal band to go from penning adulatory songs about Josef Mengele to co-branding bikes for toddlers is exactly 30 years.

This is not to impugn Slayer by any means, for they were just doing their job in an era when subjects such as Nazi war criminals, virgin sacrifices, serial killers, and good old-fashioned corpse-fuckers were very much in the zeitgeist.  See, you have to understand that the 1980s were a much quainter time, and there were still delicate sensibilities left to offend:


I also don't mean to impugn Slayer's embarking on a commercial venture with a bicycle company.  Indeed, I only want them to succeed, which is precisely why I'm so concerned.  Frankly, this smaks of a major marketing misfire.  Consider, for example, Subrosa brand manager Ryan Sher's comments regarding that 700c whatever-it-is, which carries the unfortunate moniker "Cradle to Grave:"


“And we love the Cradle to Grave concept,” Sher adds. “We want to create lifelong fans of our brand and lifelong fans of cycling. Once a kid gets on a BMX bike—sort of the dirty little brother of cycling—that’s the gateway into cycling. You’ll become a mountain biker, a road cyclist... so the theme starts and finishes your life on a bike.”

Those ellipses are very disturbing.  So you start with BMX, move on to mountain biking, then take up road cycling...and then you die?!?  Hey, I realize Slayer sing about death and stuff, but I don't think most people want to "finish their life on a bike."  Some of us want to at least survive well past the Fred phase.  We want to live long enough to covet Rivendells and Bromptons and lugged steel and touring bikes with a bunch of leather and canvas accessories and all that other stuff old people like.  Plus, if Slayer really wanted to push this "finish your life on a bike" concept, they'd sell a Slayer-branded trailer that doubles as a coffin:



That way when you're ready to finish your life you just crawl into it, launch the "Cradle to Grave" app, and Slayer Graveside Assistance comes to bury you alive in it.

Even better, with a Slayer line of recumbents, you wouldn't even have to climb into the trailer, and they could just bury you in situ:



Plus, by selling BMX bikes, is Slayer really tapping into their core market?  I mean look at them:


These guys are old and so are their fans.  Bassist and lead vocalist Tom Araya may have ridden BMX bikes as a kid, but the guy hasn't even been able to headbang for six years, and I'm willing to bet if he tried to straddle one of his own band's branded bikes he'd break a hip.

And sure, I know what you're thinking: "These bikes aren't for Slayer's aging fanbase, they're for their kids."  But do kids really want bikes branded with the music their deeply uncool Toyota Matrix-driving parents like?  Slayer formed in 1981, and their landmark album "Reign in Blood" is now 30 years old.  Thirty years old.  That's fucking ancient.  Look at it this way: I was deeply into BMX when I was 12 years old, and you know what rock album was 30 years old then?  "Rock Around the Clock."  And I can assure you there's no fucking way I would have ridden a Bill Haley and His Comets BMX back in 1985, no matter how badass my parents assured me it was.


("Raining blood, from a lacerated sky..."--Bill Haley and His Comets)

I'd have been way into a Slayer bike though...just like, if I'm to be totally honest, I'd probably be way into a Slayer folding bike today.  Their logo even looks kind of like a folded up Brompton:


A hand-chamfered Brooks with a pentagram burned into it and it's ready to go.

You're welcome, Slayer.

It could even come with a hand-painted denim Slayer smart jacket:


Imagine if you could control your phone and favourite mobile apps with a simple touch of a jacket sleeve while cycling along.

Science fiction? Maybe, but it's soon to be science fact in the shape of Levi’s Commuter Trucker jacket with Google’s Advanced Technologies and Projects (ATAP’s) Project Jacquard technology woven in.

Incidentally, if you're wondering how to pronounce "Jacquard," it rhymes with "Jack-Tard," which is the smart jacket equivalent of a "Glasshole."

Project Jacquard is designed to make it possible to weave touch and gesture interactivity into any textile using standard industrial looms. By combining thin metallic alloys together with more commonplace yarns like cotton or silk, the garment can almost invisibly add smart capabilities.

Incredible!  I can't wait for Project Jack-Tard.  Just think of the possibilities.  Indeed, it's only a matter of time before your KuKu Penthouse is equipped with a "smart chamois" which allows you to run through the functions of your "smart glasses" using only your scranus:



Just don't let your "smart jacket" wet, which shouldn't be a problem because nobody ever gets caught in the rain while riding:


"Detachable brains" indeed.

Soon you'll be able to say you left yours in your other pants.

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